Saturday, August 30

Everyone slept late and I got up first. I went for a walk and came back in time for breakfast. We had all got presents for Auo, although we had all got things that would have some use for the three of us. I had bought her the Doctor Who 50th anniversary dvd that I had promised to get her for her birthday when we were in Kerala, and still talking about whether the Tom Baker character had made up the name The Librarian for himself, or whether he had actual duties.

When I got the parcel (which also had a dvd of The Rose, which I got for Irma’s birthday yesterday) from Amazon at Arcada last week there was another Amazon parcel for me. I opened it and found it was the Christmas present that Auo had got for me, but which had not arrived before we left for India. I was caught completely by surprise and went to the toilets and sat and cried for fifteen minutes. Something about buying her an unnecessary birthday present and then receiving a final Christmas present from her as part of this was just too much to take. Aaaagh, as the Junior Sippola would have said herself.

In the afternoon I went for a cycle ride along a path that Auo and I used once or twice and Naa and I couldn’t find a few weeks ago. I found it. I sat on a seat and thought about the rides Auo and I used to do, and the fun we used to have. I can push this away most of the time, acknowledging that we have to move forward and that that part of my life has ended, but today it just seems so fucking wrong. I have no idea how long I sat on the seat with images of times I had with Auo tumbling in no particular order in front of me, all of them wonderful and happy and all of them making me cry.

Irma said something important recently. She said that if one of us died then at least the other one would be able to imagine that one day they might fall in love again, but with this we can’t even take that comfort. Sitting there, I understood just how true that is, and how deeply it hurts.

When I got back Irma and Naa went to a Gambian festival in Kontula where Irma was given a certificate, did some African dancing, and arrived home dazed and confused. I lay on the bed, looking at the ceiling.

Now I am in the centre watching Naa finish the Midnight Run. I came with her, and have been holding her coat and phone for an hour. I have walked aroundthe centre on a Saturday night for the first time in a couple of years, and stopped at Burger King for a Whopper and soda water. I can see Naa finishing, still running at speed, and in a few minutes we will meet at a pre-arranged place in Aleksi.

Irma will collected us from Itäkeskus, Naa will go to bed tired, and Irma and I will sit up for an hour or so, having a much better time than yesterday. We will make each other laugh.